Children sometimes dress up like hobos for Halloween, which makes it the only holiday that celebrates the Great Depression.
Halloween comes from the ancient festival of Samhain, which is the Celtic word for Milk Duds.
When I was nine, my mother made me a yellow fairy costume with sequins all over it. I looked like a transvestite canary.
I’m not that interested in Halloween. If I wanted to spend an evening with monsters, witches, and demons, I’d go to a Trump rally.
People who dress up their dogs for Halloween are the same people who send them to boarding school to be housebroken.
I wonder if children realize that a holiday with spiders and bats is very much like living in Utah.
Illinois produces more pumpkins than any other state in America. Also, more governors who go to prison.
Anyone who doesn’t know the difference between an airplane and a broom is probably a witch.
I love Halloween. It’s the only time I can go somewhere in a wedding dress and not look desperately hopeful.
For Halloween this year I’m going as a psychosis.
When I was a child, there was a woman in our neighborhood who always gave out toothbrushes for Halloween. One year we stoned her to death.
Not everyone is a great artist. Many people decorate their houses at Halloween with fake spider webs. Most of the time, it looks like someone vomited marshmallows on the Viburnum.
Pumpkins? Have you ever looked inside those things? They’re filled with orange stringy goop that tastes like mildewed carrots and looks like a pancreas.
The real witches of Halloween are the people who give out little boxes of raisins.
I grew up in northern Minnesota. For eight years my Halloween costume was a wool jacket and mittens. I told everyone I was the guy who read the water meter.
One year I wanted to be a wicked witch for Halloween, but my mother said my cackling was unconvincing.
Kim, I really appreciate your blogs. Laughed out loud at this one.
I too am not a Hallow-weiner. Ok, I did as a kid, enjoy separating the trick or treat booty, tossing all that didn’t appeal and hoarding that which was edible.
Eventually, I saw costumes as great for the first 10 minutes of a party, then difficult to dance in. In my curmudgeon years I prefer disappearing into a dark movie theater.
However, when occasionally home, I delight in seeing kids in their costumes and trying to engage them in their character.
Very funny! And God knows we can use all the laughs we can get these days….
This was excellent, Kim! You need to write a book. I’d be first in line to buy it.
As an aside, Brad hates Halloween. He goes to a movie instead. He grew up poor — both because of money and because of his mother’s complete lack of creativity or caring. Every year, she smeared mud on his face, tied a towel to a broomstick and sent him out as a hobo. He was humiliated. He’s STILL upset about it. I’ve told him, “You’re 81 years old, and your mother is dead. Get over it!”
P.S. We had 800 Trick or Treaters this year. Yikes!